Dark Thoughts, Late at Night
This entry was posted on 2/25/2007 3:57 PM and is filed under Facing the C Word.
Bone Metastasis? 11/21/06
It is 3am. In a few hours I will go to the doctor to see if the cancer has spread to the bones. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that it has. The pain deep within my hip, leg, and now foot, has gotten worse lately. Months ago it only came on long car trips. Now it is more frequent and in more areas. Until the prostate cancer diagnosis, I had written it off to some sort of indefinable aging problem.
Most of our friends and family know only of the prostate cancer. I have told only MA and I think Sherri, of my concerns that the cancer has gone into my bones.
The body is starting to let me down and the deterioration is accelerating. Sleep apnea, heart disease, HLA-B27, an inhereted autoimmune disorder, and now cancer. If the cancer has spread to my bones, my time on this earth may be fast diminishing. Now, with what I may well hear today, it could even be my last year.
I don’t think I ever really considered my mortality. It was always something that was years off. Now, it looks like it could come sooner than I expected. It is a lot to try to comprehend. Besides my own fears, my first thoughts go to Mary Anne. I don’t want her to have to deal with this. I always kid her by telling her that if I went first she could handle it because she has had practice. She will handle it and in the long run she will be OK. She is the matriarch of the family. The family revolves around her. I am glad that she is the one who will survive to a ripe old age. It’s just that I had hoped to be there aging with her.
Beyond MA I think most of the grandkids and my parents. My parents lives revolve around their kids and grandkids. At their age they may not handle the loss of a child very well.
I somehow think that the kids, Sherri and Kim would handle it well. It is the grandchildren that concern me more.
There is more in life that I wanted to do and see. I guess it would always be that way.
